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Supporting Children Through Grief: A Guide for Families

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Introduction

Grief and bereavement are natural responses to loss, and children experience them in unique and varied ways. Loss can include the death of a pet, a friend or a family member, and even major life changes such as moving or divorce.

Talking about death is never easy, but silence can be more harmful. Children look to adults to understand how to grieve. By being honest, present and compassionate, parents can help children navigate loss in a way that fosters resilience and emotional growth.

This guide provides age-specific insights and practical strategies for parents and caregivers to support children through grief.

Parental Fears Around Discussing Loss

Parents often hesitate to talk about death and loss with their children due to several understandable fears such as, Fear of Causing Distress: Concern that talking about death will upset or traumatise the child; Fear of Saying the Wrong Thing: Concern about not having the “right” words, or of making things worse; Fear of Not Having All the Answers: Feeling unprepared to answer existential or spiritual questions; Fear of Triggering Their Own Grief: Avoiding the topic because it highlights unresolved emotions; Cultural or Religious Taboos: In some cultures, death is not openly discussed, especially with children; and Belief That Children Are Too Young to Understand: Underestimating children’s capacity to process grief.

However, research consistently points to how crucial it is to talk about loss and death. Studies show that open, age-appropriate conversations about death help children:

  • Develop emotional resilience (Worden, 1996). In other words, children who are supported in expressing their grief are more likely to develop healthy coping skills later in life. This means that when children are allowed to talk about their feelings, they learn that it’s acceptable to be sad, confused, or even angry. This helps them become emotionally stronger and better able to handle future challenges.
  • Feel safe and secure during uncertain times (Silverman & Worden, 1992). Children need clear, honest communication to feel safe during times of loss.  This means that when adults avoid talking about death, children may feel more scared or confused. Honest conversations help children understand what’s happening and so they feel more secure, even when things are sad or uncertain.
  • Prevent complicated grief or behavioural issues later on (Christ, 2000). In this way, it prevents long-term emotional problems. Research shows that avoiding the topic of death can lead to “complicated grief,” where children struggle with sadness, anxiety or behaviour problems for a long time. If children don’t get the chance to talk about their grief, they may carry it internally. This can lead to problems at school, trouble sleeping or even depression. Talking about loss helps them heal in a healthy way.
  • Understand and normalise grief as a natural part of life (Schonfeld & Demaria, 2016). Children benefit from knowing that grief is a natural part of life and that everyone experiences it differently (Schonfeld & Demaria, 2016). Many children often feel “different” or that it is “wrong” to cry or feel sad. When parents talk openly about grief, children learn that it’s fine to feel many emotions—and that they are not alone.
  • It Strengthens the Parent-Child Bond: Children who feel emotionally connected to their caregivers during grief are more likely to recover well (Dowdney, 2000). The evidence shows that being present, listening and showing love—even when you don’t have all the answers—helps your child feel supported and loved. This connection is one of the most powerful tools for healing.

Understanding Grief in Children: What the Latest Research Says

Children grieve differently to adults—often in spurts or through behavioural changes. It is normal for grief to resurface at different developmental stages (re-grieving). It has been well-documented that support should be developmentally appropriate, trauma-informed and culturally sensitive.

Guidance for Parents

Ages 2–4: Toddlers and Preschoolers

Children this age have a limited understanding of death and loss. They may see death as reversible. Typical behaviours to expect: Regression (e.g., bedwetting, or reverting back to more babyish behaviours / needs), clinginess, confusion.

Support Tips:

  • Use simple, concrete language.
  • Maintain routines.
  • Offer comfort through physical closeness and play.

Helpful video links:

Ages 5–8: Early Primary Years

Children this age begin to grasp finality, but may still engage in magical thinking (e.g. my hamster will wake up).

Typical behaviours to expect:

  • Questions about death.
  • Feelings of guilt (worrying that in some way it is their fault – e.g. I was bad and my hamster died).
  • Acting out – negative behaviour which can be difficult to manage. It is important to remember that your child is not ‘being naughty’, they are grieving and it looks different in children than it does in adults.

Support Tips:

  • Answer questions honestly and repeatedly. Repeating the information is not an indication that your child is being more traumatised / not moving on – repetition is the process by which children understand information, practise it and come to terms with / master it. This is the reason children can watch the same episode or movie or have the same book read to them repeatedly.
  • Reassure them they are not to blame.
  • Encourage drawing or storytelling to express feelings.

Helpful video links:

Ages 9–11: Late Primary Years

Children this age are developing a more logical understanding of death and its permanence.

Typical behaviours to look out for:

  • Sadness.
  • Anger.
  • Somatic complaints (e.g., stomach aches).

Support Tips:

  • Allow children to attend funerals or memorials if they wish.
  • Encourage open conversations – speak openly and honestly. If this is something you may be struggling with, seeking support from a professional or reviewing sources for further assistance may be important. It is acceptable not to have all the answers – children learn to deal with difficult emotions when they see the process of dealing with emotions modelled for them.
  • Provide books or age-appropriate grief resources:
  1. “The Memory Tree” by Britta Teckentrup – a gentle, beautifully illustrated story about remembering a loved one who has died.
  2. “The Invisible String” by Patrice Karst – Explores the idea that love connects us even after someone is gone.
  3. “When Someone Very Special Dies” by Marge Heegaard – An interactive workbook that helps children express their feelings through drawing and writing.
  4. “Bridge to Terabithia” by Katherine Paterson – A classic novel that gently introduces the concept of sudden loss and friendship.
  5. “The Thing About Jellyfish” by Ali Benjamin – A thoughtful middle-grade novel that explores grief through science and imagination.

Helpful Video Links:

Ages 12–14: Early Adolescents

During early adolescence, abstract thinking develops. Children may question meaning or fairness.

Typical behaviours to expect:

  • Withdrawal.
  • Mood swings.
  • academic changes.

Support Tips:

  • Respect their need for privacy while staying emotionally available.
  • Normalise their feelings and validate their grief.
  • Offer peer support groups or school counseiling.

Helpful video links:

Ages 15–18: Older Adolescents

At this stage, older adolescents achieve adult-level comprehension of death.

Typical behaviours to expect:

Adolescents, during this stage, are dealing with existential questioning. They are often involved in risk-taking behaviours and deal with depression.

Support Tips:

  • Encourage journaling, music or creative outlets.
  • Expect sadness and anger – a rollercoaster of varying emotions.
  • Understand that your child may not manage to concentrate well, or think clearly. Focusing on academics may require some flexibility.
  • Discuss mental health openly.
  • Watch for signs of prolonged grief or suicidal ideation.

Helpful video links:

What Parents Can Expect

  • Grief is non-linear and may reappear during milestones (birthdays, holidays).
  • Children may not always express grief verbally—watch behaviour.
  • Siblings may grieve differently.
  • Parents may need to model healthy grieving while managing their own emotions.

In Summary:

  • Be honest and age-appropriate.
  • Maintain routines and structure.
  • Encourage expression through art, play or conversation.
  • Validate all feelings—there’s no “right” way to grieve.
  • Involve children in rituals (funerals, memory boxes, planting trees).

When to Seek Additional Support

  • Persistent sadness or withdrawal beyond 6 months.
  • Risk-taking, aggression or self-harm.
  • Lasting decline in school performance or friendships.
  • Expressions of hopelessness or suicidal thoughts.

Grief is a journey, not a destination. With love, honesty and support, children can grow through loss. If you ever feel unsure or concerned, don’t hesitate to reach out to your school’s counselling team. We’re here to support you and your child every step of the way.

Video links for parents:

This TED Talk on grief (targeted at adults) by a psychotherapist working in the field provides a beautiful and powerful explanation of the importance of working through grief and how it can be survived.

https://youtu.be/P4PNNlGWq_Q

 

 

 

Ms Nefeli Sfetsios, School Counsellor

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